


The Space Between

by Hermine



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-18
Updated: 2010-08-18
Packaged: 2017-10-11 03:41:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/107946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hermine/pseuds/Hermine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nate gets hurt but Kensi is the one in pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Space Between

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shawngf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shawngf/gifts).



> Title and inspiration taken from the wonderful song "The Space Between" by the Dave Matthews Band.  
> Beta by Sallycandance

Hospital PVC flooring was universally ugly. No matter the hospital, the tiles had the same grey pattern under neon lights. And if Kensi concentrated hard enough, she could almost make herself forget that she was here for Nate. Knowing that G or Sam or even Renko had been hurt on the job was a risk she calculated with. She had adapted to the job having this kind of collateral. Anyone but Nate… Kensi blinked to keep herself from crying. Nate was meant to stay behind at OSP, were it was safe. He was not supposed to get shot at, or stabbed, or blown up. It just wasn't in his job description as psychiatrist. If she stopped believing that she could rely on Nate being safe in a case, she most certainly would fail to concentrate. Since Dom had died everything in her was tied into keeping focused on the details she could trust in. Her team. Her wonderful, insane and fulfilling job. Being the best agent she could be. Micromanaging a crisis until the stress, the panic, the guilt subsided. She had believed that she had become stronger for Hetty's mentoring. But she hadn't seen this coming.

She was so caught up in her musings, she didn't even see G and Sam approaching until they stood right in front of her.

"Kensi." Sam reached her first, enfolding her into a hug she wasn't really expecting. She must have looked surprised as she heard a slight chuckle from behind Sam.

"Just go with it. He's been fretting the whole drive and needs an outlet." G said.

Sam relinquished his hold on her, looking askance at his partner. "That why we got at least one new speeding ticket on the way here?" They shared a wry look.

When G made no move towards her, Kensi leaned back against the wall. She needed any support she could get away with. Breathe. She could do this. Everything was going to be alright. Nate was going to be just fine. Hadn't they had dinner just yesterday? Talking about that comic he liked so much? She just had to remember his face, smiling. No thinking about Dom. Dom bleeding out on a concrete floor.

"So, what the hell happened that Nate ended up on a case we don't have jurisdiction for?" G might have been the one to ask her, but like always Sam backed him up. The two of them stood shoulders touching, a united front across from her and for a moment she closed her eyes, willing herself to wake up from this nightmare. Willing the world to stop and for Nate to appear in the space between them. Buying her time by redirecting their attention for a few precious minutes. She didn't have the strength to look at the situation from a professional angle. Kensi Blye had walked into White Memorial Hospital, Special Agent Kensi Blye had stayed behind.

When Kensi thought back on how the day had ended up with her getting to know another waiting area in yet another hospital in LA, all she could remember was that accumulating political capital was one of the few things she'd never like to learn from Hetty.

It had been an atypically slow day, with G and Sam enjoying off time while Renko and herself had stayed behind catching up with the more mind numbing aspects of administration. Hetty had left them to it. And Nate had made himself a nuisance offering sage advice on the treatment of her paper cuts while catching up on his own paper trails. They had bantered, making plans for the evening and Nate had threatened her once again with his cooking. They had spent a lot of time together since Dom died.

The relaxed atmosphere had been interrupted by Director Vance demanding Hetty to comply with an urgent inquiry of LAPD. Apparently they had needed an additional negotiator for a hostage situation with an alleged terrorist. Nate had been called into OSP and Kensi had watched him leaving HQ only ten minutes later with a queasy feeling in her stomach. In hindsight she wished she had voiced her uneasiness. Hetty might have allowed her to keep watch over him as their operation manager was never fond of loaning out her talent. Not even to repair their somewhat strained relations with the local authorities.

Right now though it was much too late for a game of might have beens. The way Sam and G looked at her implied that her prolonged silence gave her away, betrayed her turmoil. And that just wouldn't do.

"They haven't told me much. LAPD requested Nate as second negotiator because they needed someone specialized in Far East counterterrorism and I still have no idea how they got Hetty to agree to that." Kensi felt no guilt redirecting their anger. "All I got told when I arrived was that it was a ricocheting bullet."

G snorted. "Friendly fire?"

She nodded. "Only Nate was hit. The suspect is in custody as far as I know."

G cursed while Sam kept interrogating her: "How was he even close enough to be hit?"

"How am I supposed to know?" Kensi felt hysteria bleed into her voice. She had been here less than two hours and there was very little information she had been able to get out of the hospital staff. She had tried everything from smiles to bribes, but they had told her firm but politely to wait. When Sam started turning towards one of the passing nurses, she snapped "Call Eric or Hetty for more information, Sam."

G narrowed his eyes at her. "You done?"

"No, I'm not done, Callen! I'd …" She stopped when she saw his face hardening.

"Go, get us coffee." G ordered Sam softly. They waited until Sam's steps faded. Kensi didn't want to look up from the PVC flooring. Grey swirls turning into circles.

"Kensi." Breathing was all about rhythm. In and out. If she managed to hold it together when on her own, she most certainly could deal with her team's special brand of concern.

"Kens. I know it's hard for you. After Dom. I can only imagine that with Nate everything is worse… " G took a deep breath and if she wasn't completely mistaken he was about to talk about feelings. The edge of hysteria she had been riding since Hetty had told her that Nate had been shot, sent her into freefall. G, voluntarily talking about feelings. Laughing, crying she couldn't decide what to do and it didn't matter because she could barely breathe. A tear ran down her cheek, and with some confusion she thought Nate couldn't be hurt, he had just bought a new couch. She slid down the wall and ended staring blindly onto the grey floor, letting the tears fall. Hugging her knees, she felt her eyes drift shut after a while and the noisy background fade to nothing.

***

Somebody gave Kensi a cup of water and she gingerly took sips. The moment she realized G was cowering in front of her, with Sam hovering in the background, she found her voice back.

"I'm fine." She answered their unvoiced concern without inflection.

Sam shook his head. "It isn't wrong to be upset, Kensi."

"I'm fine." She repeated.

"If you say so." G carefully patted her knee and stood up.

Kensi didn't like feeling so bereft about anything, much less a mere co-worker. Nate had been a problem from the start. He had never been a real co-worker. From the day they met Nate Getz had been a mix of civilian and friend. A team member like Eric, mostly invisible, but always there when needed. Close enough that she could confide in him, but still someone she felt the need to protect. Despite his delusions of being a more active operative, Nate was just too civilian to fit in with the team. And if Kensi was honest, him being a civilian but more understanding than the average, was what attracted her to him. She had been tired of trying to date. It never worked past the first date. Opening up to someone who didn't face a battlefield on a weekly basis was difficult. She had picked up enough about psychological evaluation from Nate to know she had trust issues that were bolstered by the necessary secrecy of being an NCIS agent with her unit. She hadn't really wanted to date anymore, just gone through the motions of a first date in the week after Dom had died. Nate though, Nate had suddenly occupied the rest of her spare time. At first he had wanted to keep her safe from thinking too much about losing Dom. He had told her as much when she asked. But spending time together had quickly turned into something they both enjoyed much more than expected. After the first weeks of Nate coming up with plans, she had invited him along to a party of a high school friend. It had been all so casual. Only not.

Kensi looked up every time someone new appeared in the hall. Waiting had never been her forte. G had started pacing about 20 minutes ago. Bumping every so often into Sam whose exasperated sighs were strangely soothing. They almost made her smile, lulling her into the comfort of familiarity. Sam stood almost over her seated body, from time to time touching her head with his fingers, carding his fingers through her unruly hair.

Finally a doctor appeared, calling out to them, "Are you waiting for Nathan Getz?" G reached down to Kensi and pulled her up.

"Yes, that'd be us." Sam indicated the three of them, quickly showing his ID. "Can you tell us what exactly happened?"

She smiled kindly at Kensi. "We met earlier, I'm Dr. Kusanagi." Kensi nodded. She faintly remembered talking to her. "I can only repeat what I told you earlier. Mr. Getz was admitted by your fellow officers around 5 pm with a not life threatening gun wound in his left shoulder. He went into surgery as soon as we had him prepped. But the bullet shattered part of his shoulder, so it took a while to repair the damage."

"Is he alright?"

Kensi felt as if she could finally breathe deeply again without sending herself into a dizzy spin. She kept her back against the wall and concentrated on listening. G, as it seemed, had taken over questioning the doctor.

"Yes. He's on station 3 C, in room 3417, two floors up and turn to the right if you take the elevator."

"Is he up for a visitor?" G smiled winningly at the doctor.  
Dr. Kusanagi reacted with slight frown, "A family member?"

"Close enough." Kensi said, her voice unsteady.

"One visitor only and please try to keep him from getting up. He's still very disorientated." Doctor Kusanagi smiled at

Kensi encouragingly. "I'll talk to the nurses about organizing you a chair." With a curt nod in the direction of G and Sam, she walked off.

There was something about the way G had said visitor that unnerved her. He had implied that it was her place. That she was the one Nate would want at his bedside. But she wasn't - she had said… she had said close enough.

"Stop flirting with the nurses, G. You already have an engagement tonight."

"You never let me have any fun. Does our engagement include you kicking my ass on the playstation?"

"Oh, I know a quiet evening on my couch is exactly what you need. Ergo, it's your kind of fun. Kensi? Kensi?"

Sam nudged G to the side, looking at her with laughter in his eyes. But he only concentrated for mere seconds at her. With one of his quicksilver moves G easily wormed his way underneath Sam's arm. That little gesture propelled Kensi out of the moment. What had been friends sharing relief that one of their own had once again beaten the odds, had changed fast into the G and Sam show. Kensi was used to be reduced to a member of the audience, as that was the way G liked it with anyone not named Sam Hannah. And Sam, true to his nature, was closing ranks around G, erecting barriers with a soft look at his partner that reminded her firmly of her place as an outsider. Of what she didn't have. Suddenly she realized what exactly Sam and G had seen in her behavior. What they had known all along when Kensi had wasted her time lying to herself for months. Why they had treated her like the victim of a crime, like an out of control witness. The only thing missing had been a shock blanket, she thought bitterly.

The implication that she felt for Nate anything but friendship sent her into another round of blind panic. She didn't do relationships. She didn't. She was Kensi Blye, serial dater extraordinaire. And if she hadn't really dated anyone since Dom disappeared and Nate and her started spending time together outside the office, well that was a mere coincidence. They had fun together. They did pizza, they did movies. What they didn't do was dating. Without so much as a goodbye Kensi looked up and smiled.

"I think I need to go now. I'm already late."

"What the… Kensi!"

Kensi didn't listen to Sam calling her name. She walked faster, down the corridor and to the exit. Her jeans, the halter top and leather jacket would do. Work attire, but the heeled boots would be enough to get her into the anonymity of a club. Anywhere with a fast beat would do.   
Her skin was humming with the frenetic need to get out, to put space between her and Nate. She hadn't wanted to realize what it all meant. The game she had played with herself, never giving the closeness between them a name. Sharing laughter, spending all her downtime with one person had suited Kensi just fine. And Nate had patiently waited for her to take the lead. All those days turning into weeks and months, he had stayed close to her, never demanding more than her time and what she had been willing to give. Nate had been waiting for her to realize what hey had. Hiding in plain sight of her insecurities like the calculating man he was. They had been going on dates for months. The tactic was just underhanded enough that the psychiatrist might have come up with it right from the start.

Picking up speed she exited White Memorial and got into one of the waiting taxis. She scrambled to remember a club close. Mustache Mondays should do the trick. She hadn't been with Nate to that club. Blood was still throbbing behind her eyes and the 15 minute taxi drive was almost too much.

The place was packed, the crowd a heady mix of dance party and Friday night. Kensi felt some of her tension bleed right out of her. She wanted, no she needed to let go of the thoughts . The club's flittering lights and the soft glow on the semi dark dance floor were a stark contrast to the cold lights of the White Memorial. Resolutely Kensi looked around for the bar. There were booths to the right, but she had been sitting around far too long. With any luck and a few shots she should be able to forget the last hours.

She spent too much money on shots, but two in quick succession had her still in too much control, so she ordered another Mochito. She already felt sweat on her neck and at last the noise was enough to take her over. She had nothing to prove anymore, there was nobody observing her breaking down.

In the middle of the crowded dance floor Kensi found a guy to drown the remaining echo of her pain with. He was easy on the eyes, a surfer much like Deeks, with the same dirty blond hair and relaxed attitude. She flipped her hair back when he looked over and smiled. Without introducing himself he pulled her closer, enforcing the beat her hips already swayed to.

Just a few dances in, he had her spinning almost out of control. With a predatory smile she reached for him, pulling his face towards her and kissed him. It was not at all gratifying, just pointless and destructive. She felt her discomfort rising when he got his hand around the back of her head and held her still. It was only empty heat. There was a dull pounding in her ears when she finally realized the futility of what she was doing. She had a guy plastered to her front, his right arm around her neck, his left lazily around her hip. They swayed to the beat, the rhythm too fast and Kensi could see herself fucking him in a few hours to keep from feeling the pain of almost losing Nate. She would allow him pretty much anything, to get away from herself. But that was it. Keeping the space between Nate and herself hadn't kept her safe from pain today. All she ever equated with relationships, all the fear and constricting boundaries of being tied to someone were already present in her life.

She stopped moving and extricated herself from her dance partner. He seemed confused by that, but she twisted and shoved him aside. Clearing herself a path on the dance floor with little grace, she almost ran out of the club.   
Kensi was certain that being in a relationship with Nate wouldn't have changed one thing today. Knowing he had been hurt wouldn't have been more difficult than it already was. She could do this. And even more so she deserved the reward of love, of being loved when she had been already committed to him. With that last mantra firmly in mind, she picked up her phone and redialed one of the five calls she had missed.

"Sam? Could the two of you pick me up?"

***

G easily managed to distract the nurse at the receptionist desk, providing cover for Kensi to make it to the stairs. Looking back over her shoulder, Kensi winked at him and in a way, that was it. This was goodbye to her old life. She followed the directions to the third floor and silently stepped inside.   
The room was illuminated from LA's night lights, allowing her to see the bed, the faintly flickering equipment and IV line on the left side of the bed. As the doctor had promised, a chair was waiting.

Kensi carefully settled in the chair next to Nate's bed. When her eyes grew used to the odd lighting, she could make out his face. He still looked pale, his lanky frame completely dwarfing the standard issue bed. Carefully she entangled her hand with his on the sheets, hoping against hope that his twitching fingers didn't mean that he was waking.

"Kensi?" he mumbled, frowning.

"Go to sleep Nate."

He smiled lopsidedly at her without opening his eyes, trying sluggishly to pet her hand. Endearing, sweet and completely drugged that was what he was.

" 'S nice dream." Kensi felt an answering smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"Not a dream Nate."

"Prove it." His eyes opened and now he was truly waking. Kensi reached up his face, softly grazing his features.

"Are you really here?"

"Yes."

"I thought we didn't do this." Even with the drugs still circling in his body, Nate made an effort to evaluate her actions. He had to be the most patient man Kensi had met in her life. He was still giving her space.

"I'm not wasting anymore time."

She heard him mumble-cough something that sounded suspiciously like 'about time' and decided talking was wasted time, too.

She closed the space between them and softly kissed his mouth. Just a soft brush of her lips against his, sweet. Her light touch was all it took for Nate to moan and close his eyes again. And while a hospital might be less than ideal for a first kiss, it was very much part of her reality. With a soft bite to his lower lip, Kensi ended the kiss with a sting to remind Nate that this was real. He kept his eyes closed and mumbled "Best dream ever" as he already drifted back to sleep.  
Kensi grinned and sat back down, holding Nate's hand. She would be there tomorrow to remind him that he hadn't been dreaming.

End


End file.
